If you’re going to try to get elected by the masses, you guess that a good way of winning them over is through popular music. You pick up where you last left your piano lessons and hire some expert songwriters and producers (and some of those guys from that chillwave group, Neon Indian) to lend you a hand in crafting and presenting your number one hit and viral music video, “Lost Dakota.”
As soon as that’s in place, you figure you might as well announce your candidacy and put out a commercial to defend your hermaphroditism. It opens up with a field of flowers and a British voiceover telling the viewer about the hermaphroditic qualities of flowering plants. The adorable clownfish comes next, the male fish changing into the opposite sex when the head-female dies off. You wanted to mention the enormous clitoris of the hyena, but your advisors didn’t approve. (They also wouldn’t let you use Dave Sim’s Cerberus as your mascot.) The commercial ends with some adaptation of the “let a thousand flowers bloom” line and then your pride in being born into an ambiguous sex. It was really the highlight of your campaign and got you some attention on social networks and the media – too bad it didn’t translate into ballot slots in all 50 states as an independent.
Although, one redeeming event did take place, on Election Day, when one of the electoral votes in Montana went faithless and was cast in your name. Accounts are conflicting, but some have said that the voter was officially unregistered, extremely tall, hairy, had the fangs of a baboon, and wore size 25 moccasins.
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