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    “I wouldn’t swallow that,” you warn the little “Sioux” woman in a hotel bathroom that smells like Scrubbing Bubbles, well, smelled like Scrubbing Bubbles. Now it smells like Scrubbing Bubbles and breast milk.

    “Hitler wanted to use fluoride as a poisonous gas,” you make sure to point out. She wipes off the dab of complimentary toothpaste onto one of the complimentary tissues sticking out from the countertop. This was only one uncouth moment piled up on top of the others before it, all of it like a lazy stack of embarrassing magazine subscriptions in your basement den: First, there was her insistence that you make love in the bathroom (Bidet Nouveau, € 3.95); you’d heard Sioux women can be little juggernauts if one isn’t willing to chew a brick, so sex next to a toilet bowl it was.

    Then there’s her questionable looks. She has a flatter nose than other Sioux you’d seen (Modern Native American Ethnography, National American University Exclusive). She’s more like some kind of Pacific Islander, Samoan maybe, so you made the mistake of asking her name.

    “My name is Mehitable.” “A Hebrew name?” you said too quickly (Naming Baby, $5.95/$7.75 CAN). She never expounded.

    Instead, out of the green dollar-store backpack she had brought with her, she pulled two adjoining breast pumps (Mammary Moms, Special 2-year subscription offer of $29.95) and one piston the size of a Maxwell coffee can.

    “I turn on the machine, it does the sucking, and you do the drinking. Ok, hunnybonches?”


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